Creating “I” Statements

Procedure: 

1. Session Objective – Read the session objective aloud.
2. Introduction (10 minutes) - Begin with a couple of elicitation questions to build motivation for the session's topic:

1) Do all of you have relationships in your life that are important to you, that you would like to make stronger, or that you would like to rebuild?

2) There is a tool that can help with this goal. Is that something you might be willing to try?

When you are in an argument, it is not uncommon for it to become difficult to clearly articulate what you want to say without escalating the conflict.

"I" Statements focus on your own feelings and factual experiences rather than your perspective of what someone else has or hasn't done.

Take the following examples:

"You never listen to me."

"I feel frustrated and upset when I think I am not being heard, especially when something is important to me."

What are some of the differences in how these statements are delivered?

How might the listener react to each of these if they were delivered during an escalating conversation?

For scaffolding purposes, write the following table onto the white board.  This will help as participants work through their next task.

"I" statements are used to communicate your feelings and needs while reducing blame.  They help  to   explain your side without a communication breakdown.  They are not sentences used to force someone to react a certain way, and they may not work every time, but they will help.  They are not used for being polite; rather, for clarity. 

Elicit some negative statements from the group and board them.  Together, work through transforming the sentences into “I” statements.

Concept Checks: 

Are “I” statements simply sentences that have “I” in front?  Why?  No.  “I hate it when you…” is an example of a negative/accursitory statement that begins with “I.”  “I like video games” is another example that does not meet the criteria because it doesn’t fit the context of when “I” statements would be effective to use.

What are two things “I” statements aim to do?  Reduce blame, communicate needs or feelings, prevent communication breakdowns, be clear in your communication

What is something “I” statements will not do? Guarantee an outcome, work every time

Do “I” statements use specific examples in the past or general statements? Specific. It’s better for focus on an instance. For example, “I was angry when you came home late last night” vs “when you come home late”. This is especially important when looking at actions vs traits. Calling someone an “asshole” will be sure to move the conversation in a negative direction. Saying something like, “I feel upset when you put me down in front of your friends.” focuses on the action, not the character of the person, and makes constructive conversation more likely.

Do we usually use words like “always” or “never” in “I” statements? No, as they are often not specific or accurate. It’s unlikely someone is “always” late, for example. By being inaccurate, it raises the other person’s defenses.

3. “I” Statement Sort (5 Minutes) -

Break participants into pairs.  Distribute pre cut “I” statement strips to each pair.  Ask each pair to organize the statements into two piles; one pile that satisfies the requirement of an “I” statement, and one that does not.

After the pairs finish, go over each statement.  For the statements that fail to meet the requirement, elicit ways to improve or modify the statement.

I hate it when you come home late without calling me. - Accusatory

I like my new  morning exercise routine. - Irrelevant

I feel anxious and flustered when I’m yelled at for making a mistake; It makes me want to avoid trying in the future out of fear I will mess something up. - Good

It makes me angry that you don’t trust me. - Accusatory

When I am interrupted, I feel like what I am trying to say isn’t important. - Good

I get discouraged when the food I cook is criticized because cooking is a new skill for me and I am trying to keep us healthy. - Good

I am doing the exact same thing you did last week; what’s the difference? - Accusatory

I don’t like your tone. - Accusatory

4. Pair Statement Work (10 Minutes) –

Using the same pairs, have pairs discuss the most recent argument they had.  It could be with a parent, friend, boss, significant other, etc.

How did it go? 

What were some of the things that were said that were hurtful or made the situation worse?

With their partner, take some time to rephrase some of those accusatory or hurtful statements into “I” statements.  Encourage pairs to work through as many examples as they can before the next activity.

Monitor pairs and note good and bad examples. 

Bring the group back and go over a few examples from the exercises, addressing pain points and adding clarification.

5. "I" Statement Mingle (15 minutes) - For the next activity, each member will receive a task card with a "You" statement written. Their job will be to find a partner in the room, read the original words, and then modify the message by turning it into an "I" statement. Once they have completed that task, switch cards and find a new partner. Each person should talk to three different people before the mingle is complete (it is okay for there to be some repetition).

Distribute one "I" statement task card to each participant and start the mingle.  As you walk around the room to observe, if you feel the group needs more scaffolding, consider writing the following table on the whiteboard.

As participants move around the room, again, monitor and take note of good and bad examples to board them.

Bring participants back for a group discussion, again noting both good and bad examples.

6. Hot Seat Dialogue – (15 minutes) – Set the room so two chairs face each other at the front and the reaming participants have an unobstructed view. 

Using the scenarios listed on the Hot Seat Dialogue Cards have two group members come up to the Hot Seats and run through the scenarios listed on their cards, using as many “I” Statements in their interaction as possible.   It is suggested to model this activity with a group member who you saw grasped the concept. 

The participants who are watching the interaction should be instructed to take note of positive things they see as well as areas of advice. 

After a pair completes their dialogue in the Hot Seats, take a couple of responses from the participants who watched and bring a new pair to the Hot Seats.

If you feel the participants have a decent level of proficiency, you could modify this to be more of a speed dating activity as well with participants working in pairs with cards all at the same time.

7. Summary and Wrap – (5 Minutes) – Ask participants to briefly summarize their takeaways from the day. 

Before the next session, encourage participants to put their new skills to use with either a real conversation or another practice round, and record the experience in their thought journal.